Haunted

As a parent, I built a wall around me so that if a need arises, I can hide behind it and appear strong for the sake my children. Today, a hole was punched into it.

Earlier today, Theodore underwent  procedure called the Voiding Cystourethrogram (VCUG) at the Philippine Children's Hospital. It is an x-ray examination of the bladder and urinary tract. This procedure requires the insertion of a catheter to aspirate a contrast material into the bladder and from there, take pictures of how urine would flow. VCUG was recommended to rule out vesicoureteral reflux, an abnormality that causes urine to flow two-way or back to the kidneys. 

It sounds simple, right? I thought so too that's why I agreed to the procedure. I know Theo needed it but I was in no way prepared for what it really meant for him. I've never seen Theo cry and beg like this morning. His face and his cries have haunted me the whole day and I don't think I would ever forget. They have been burned into my memory forever. 

I kept kissing him just to offer some consolation and to let him know that I was there with him. I was at the point of breaking all my resolve. What kept me strong was the fact that he needed the procedure. I convinced myself that it was just a one-time thing and for sure, they'll find nothing else wrong with him. 

During the 30-minute "hell" of a procedure, I kept telling Theodore that it's going to be over soon and that the pain would go away. I didn't expect him to suffer for hours today because everytime he would pee, he would cry - a loud shriek of pain that got us all very alarmed. I called and texted the nephrologist but I didn't get any immediate reply. I blame her for not telling me everything about the procedure. She never told me that it's going to hurt for a loooong time! If I had known, arrangements would have been made! I ended up giving him Paracetamol to help with the pain.

Theo has more tests in the next couple of weeks as part of the monitoring of his disease. I honestly don't know if I can still take it. I feel that my wall would collapse anytime soon.